What I’d Like to See at the Olympics
Here’s a column I wrote for the Observer Newspapers in 2006:
After watching the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, I decided to recommend a few new sports which are sure to improve the so-called agony of victory and thrill of defeat (reverse that). I believe these new events will elevate the now mind-numbing Olympics’ programming to a new level for which public transportation will shut down, students will skip class, and employees will take unpaid leave just to watch the coverage. Here is a sampling of the Olympic Games I’d like to see.
Diathlon (formerly the Biathlon). The Biathlon combines skiing and shooting typically pitting the skiers against the clock and the accuracy of their shots. The Diathlon pits skiers against each other. Diathletes, wearing protective vests with targets in the shape of the Olympic rings, score points when they shoot each of the five rings on the skiers from other countries in the least amount of time. Teams would score bonus points for hitting skiers from countries with more Olympic medals. Once a skier’s five rings are hit, he/she is considered “dead” and is penalized by spending two minutes in “Diathlon Hell” watching the compulsory ice dancing. Of course, backup athletes would be needed for this event. Note: The new Winter Triathlon would include the added skill of shooting in-flight ski jumpers.
Ten Pin Curling (formerly Curling). Back in 16th century Scotland, someone was watching a shuffleboard tournament at the local senior pub and thought, I bet if we did this on ice with smooth rocks, it would become an Olympic sport. Go figure. However, as much as I am entranced by the slip sliding of the curling stones, I am much more familiar with the rules of bowling. I suggest raising the popularity of the sport by adding silk shirts, 80’s hair styles and ugly shoes and allow athletes to curl strikes and spares at the local Bowl Olympica lanes. In this event, smoking and beer drinking would be allowed. I smell medal for Bode Miller.
Boarder Derby (formerly Snowboard Cross). The Snowboard Cross was one of the more exciting new sports at the winter Olympics and a number of snowboarders crashed. But what if falling was more common? As a child, I was fascinated by the fast paced, physical and Amazon-like sport of Roller Derby. In Boarder Derby, these two sports combine for a knock-down, all-out, physical race in which snowboarders are allowed to bump, shove and run over each other in a race to the finish line. Points would be awarded for the fastest time, the most knockdowns and the snowboarder with the most injuries. Sweet, dude.
Ice-Hole Figure Skating (formerly Figure Skating). Let’s be honest. We hate to see our favorite American skater fall but we’ve been known to cheer quietly when the husky Russian goes down. One way to make falling more strategic is to randomly place holes around the rink. The holes, covered by a thin layer of ice, would only be visible when directly over each hole. Skaters would be penalized for skating across the holes, as evidenced by their falls, but would receive bonus points for landing a triple toe whatchamacallit directly into a hole. I know one skater who would score big at this sport. I can see the headline now: “Tanya Harding is Queen of the Ice Holes.”
Ron